Discovering Redemption: A Pastor's Journey Through Exile
I was a pastor for nearly ten years. I ran a ministry at a rescue mission where I watched God transform broken lives every single day. I believed nothing could separate us from God's love.
Then I fell. Hard.
For seven years, I wandered through what felt like spiritual exile. There were days I wanted to die. I battled depression and crippling anxiety. The God I'd preached about with such confidence? I couldn't find Him anymore.
This is my confession from a pastor who stumbled. If you've ever felt like you've wandered too far to come back, this is for you.
In this post, I share:
The moment I realized I'd become the outcast I used to minister to
Why the promises I preached stopped working for me
What seven years of spiritual exile taught me about grace
A warning to young pastors (and hope for fallen ones)
When Everything Went Dark
For almost seven years, I wandered through a spiritual desert. The isolation and suffering often felt overwhelming. There were times I wanted my life to end. I battled with depression and intense anxiety. But through divine mercy, I survived. It was a self-imposed agony that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
This journey forced me to reevaluate everything I believed. It led me to question my understanding of Christ's teachings. It made me ask hard questions: How do believers reconcile with God after sinning? How do we keep accepting God's grace and love when we keep falling into sin?
Who I Was Before Everything Fell Apart
Back then, I identified as a charismatic Calvinist.
In terms of soteriology, I was Calvinistic. I believed God predestined His chosen ones through His sovereignty before creation. I believed conversion was a result of His irresistible grace, revealing Christ Jesus to His elect. This grace, I believed, covered all sins—past, present, and future—granting full justification before God upon faith in Christ Jesus. This was the belief I started to question during my time of exile.
My charismatic belief came from my conviction that the Holy Spirit's sign gifts were still active today—healings, speaking in tongues, prophecy. Unlike most Calvinists I knew, who were cessationists (believing these gifts ended with the canonization of the Bible), I believed these gifts continued.
My perspective has evolved significantly since then, but I retain elements of both beliefs. I still embrace the truth that salvation is through God's grace, an undeserved favor found solely in Christ's life, death, and resurrection. I'm convinced that this grace is received through faith, given by the Holy Spirit who opens our hearts to the gospel's truth.
When I Believed I Had It All Figured Out
Before encountering this desolate period, I had a profound connection with God. For nearly ten years, I served as an associate pastor at two different churches. I also held the position of Senior Director of Ministry at a highly esteemed rescue mission. In that role, I guided a team of dedicated ministers who provided support to those battling homelessness and addiction.
It was an incredibly rewarding chapter in my life, where I felt aligned with God's purpose for me. Like the apostle Paul in Romans, I believed that "nothing could separate us from the love of God," and that this hope was accessible to anyone who sought it.
Every day, I witnessed men and women being liberated from the shackles of sin. I'm convinced that if Jesus were to walk the earth in modern America, he'd be found in places like the mission where I served. Such places seemed to draw people in. The hopeless, the beggars, the outcasts, and the scorned—they all flocked to him.
It wasn't until I became one of them that I truly grasped this reality. Now, living as an outcast myself, their stories offer me slivers of hope that Christ will welcome me with open arms too.
Jesus proclaimed, "If anyone is thirsty, let them come and drink." He also declared, "I have come not for the healthy but for the sick." I embraced these teachings wholeheartedly and shared them with those at the rescue mission, affirming that Christ's sacrifice was once and for all, offering them atonement. They were now purified and liberated to embark on a new life with Christ. "Seek Him, and you will find Him," I would encourage.
Reflecting on their often puzzled reactions, I now share in their bewilderment regarding those words.
The Day Everything Changed
Here is my tale, a confession from a pastor who stumbled. To the young pastors out there, take these words to heart. The consequences of sin are severe, and giving in to temptation can lead to a path of no return. How I wish I had listened to the lessons from those marked by their past mistakes, instead of walking the same path they once did.
If you resonate with my experiences, I hope my story brings you comfort. We may be a band of misfits, yet so were the twelve disciples. God has not forsaken us in our wilderness. He stays faithful even when we fail. No matter the depths of despair, He is ever present.
Be assured that what you perceive as harmful, He can transform into something good.
