John 7:37 reads, "On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, 'If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink.'"

I remember reading this verse and scribbling something down in my journal with frustration: “Why is this not true for me?" I felt far from God, like He had disappeared from my life. My prayers felt hollow, like they were bouncing off the ceiling. "I am thirsty! Where are You?" I cried out, hoping for some sort of answer, but nothing seemed to change.

Although most of my former Christian friends never said it outright, their actions spoke loudly—they believed I was outside the state of grace. They were mostly Reformed Calvinists, and while they would affirm that I was forgiven at conversion—my past, present, and future sins covered by Christ’s righteousness through faith alone—the way they treated me told a different story. Despite my repentance, I was treated like a leper.

In September 2019, my divorce from my first wife was finalized. By November, I was engaged, and in January 2020, I married my second wife. I pursued this marriage without regard for its biblical implications, trying to escape a tidal wave of guilt and shame that eventually overwhelmed me.

I’ve come to realize that it’s not enough to simply recount the situations that led me astray. At the core, I committed adultery. Twice, I broke the sacred covenant of marriage, hurting the woman I vowed to protect and shaking the foundation of my children’s security. If I’m honest, the villain in my story is staring back at me in the mirror.